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Are You There Guys? It’s Me, Frosty

The blinking cursor. It taunts me. How long will I stare it down? I have no idea what to type but I can’t stand staring at that awful, evil, nasty little blinking cursor and so I will just sit here and type and type and type and type. There are so many things going on and I feel like I can’t write about any of it, I’m keeping my life locked up in little metal boxes and the keys are broken off inside the locks so you can’t ever open them again, not ever again.

It’s horrible.

I used to love this. I would sit here, happily, for hours and hours and write all about my feelings, record all the little moments. Life was easier then. Or was it? Am I glorifying the past because it’s the past and all I can remember are the pretty pictures I posted here? I have no idea. It doesn’t even matter. I’m just so, so, so tired. I’m so tired of feeling like we’re fighting, constantly, just to keep our heads above water. And I know, I know that someone is reading this and they want to punch me in the face because whatever my stupid little suburban problems are, they are nothing, nothing at all. I know. I have so much to be grateful for. And most days I’m really good at remembering it. I don’t complain. I am grateful for the things that count. Most days. And then there are days like today when I sit on the balcony with the birds and I cry. And cry. And cry. I just wish things could be easier. I wish I didn’t worry so much. I wish I was more patient and more careful, more thoughtful. I wish I had more energy. I wish I’d made better choices when I was younger but I can’t think about that now or the mean little monster who lives behind my heart will thrash around and make me say awful things to myself.

I probably sound crazy. Maybe I am.

Things have not been going according to plan. Life has been life-y because, as they say, Humans Make Plans and God Laughs or whatever it is they say. BUT STILL. Anyway. Like I said. Most days are great. We’re fine. I’m fine. We work hard and we keep our heads above water and we’re¬†okay. Today just hasn’t been one of those days.

In just 7 days

attack of the cards

One week from today we will be somewhere on the road, somewhere in the middle of the country. It will be our first day driving, so we won’t be far yet. We’ll probably be tired, we might be edgy, maybe we’ll be really excited, maybe we’ll just be really grumpy. I have no idea. I cannot believe that one week from today we will be driving home.

There was a minute not too long ago when I really didn’t know if I was ever going to get home again. I’m not talking about visits, I knew I’d figure out how to get home for visits, but there was a minute when I thought I’d be stuck in New York forever. I felt like Alice, stuck in Wonderland, surrounded by griffins and mock turtles and Queens shouting “OFF WITH HER HEAD” while I frantically tried to change shape so I wouldn’t be eaten alive by the droves — there was a minute when I didn’t think I’d ever get out of here alive, and if I did, it would be with my head down and my tail tucked between my legs.

Then we got out of that horrible little bug-infested tenement and we both just started to bloom. We both got more creative and we both filled our life with things we love; painting and writing, going to school, cooking dinner, $6 early morning movies on Saturday’s, Free Friday’s at MOMA, and now, now that we’ve built a life that we love, now that we’re happy to get out of bed in the morning because there is so much to do, now that we’re finally happy is when we’re leaving.

And then.

And then there is that part of us that is so happy because we are going home. Because there is so much to look forward to. Because of the lessons we’ve learned, the work we’ve put in, and the goals we have set. So I know there’s no reason to be afraid, not really, we are going to be fine. The happy life we built on this concrete island will be easily transported three thousand miles and set down amongst the strip malls, the tract homes, and the 101 freeway. But it’s crazy, you know? We got up one day and decided to move New York City, we lived here and grew here and fell in love for real here, and now we’re going home. Six months from now this will all be a memory, this whole thing, this whole section of our life, our marriage, our experience. There’s a part of me that hurts, there’s a little stinging in the corner of my heart, and I know this is a bitter-sweet good bye. Then there’s a part of me that is looking forward, eyes up, heart open, arms wide, and I know that even as this adventure is coming to an end, there’s another one right around the corner.

I can’t believe we’re moving cross-country in a week. Life is crazy, you guys. Crazy and super cool.