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Day 6

I really wish that I could tell you that I’m getting used to this new face of mine, that this situation is getting easier to live with, that I’m doing okay. But the truth is that it’s getting harder, not easier. I’m getting more discouraged, more frustrated, more depressed, not less. Every morning I wake up and I hope I’ll see some kind of improvement, and I don’t. It hasn’t been a week yet, everyone reminds me. It’s too soon, they say. But they aren’t the ones with the half-frozen face.

It really surprises me how much of my identity was wrapped up in my face. I thought I’d grown past that. But I don’t recognize myself anymore. I look in the mirror and there is a stranger looking back at me. A sad, lonely stranger. I am grieving for my lost smile, the ease with which I once sipped soup from a spoon or bit into an apple. I can’t wear my contacts anymore because my left eye doesn’t close all the way and dries out too quickly. I feel lost and terribly alone.

A week ago I felt great, everything was great, I was happy, I was so excited to meet my baby girl that I was actually hoping she’d be born before her due date. I couldn’t wait to experience labor, birth, then hold her in my arms. Now, when I have a particularly intense Braxton Hicks contraction, I weep and beg her not to come because I can’t bear the thought of bringing her into this world when my head is so fucked up and my heart aches so much.

Then I hate myself because really, I’m so terribly vain. And selfish. Things could be so much worse. I am so lucky. I am healthy. Everyone I love is healthy. I’m surrounded by people who love and support me. My little girl is developing beautifully. Nothing is wrong with her. I look weird, that is all. Get over it already.

I wish I was a better person. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I had enough self-confidence that I could hold my head up high and grin my lop-sided sneer of a grin and not give a fuck what anyone thought and not think anything bad about myself. But it just hurts. I don’t even know how my husband can stand to look at me. He didn’t sign up for this, I tell myself. And yet here he is, stuck with a disfigured wife.

He keeps telling me I’m beautiful but I just feel like he’s lying.

And I feel like I’m failing my baby. My feelings, my emotions, every sob and gasp filters through me and into her. I’ve destroyed her peaceful nest in my womb, poisoned her with all my self-hatred and fear. She hasn’t been born yet and I’m already letting her down.

I made a video. So you can see what I look like now. So I can look back later, perhaps with a little more self-love, and remember what this felt like, what I really looked like. Maybe I’ll think it wasn’t that bad. Maybe it will improve. Maybe it will be permanent. Maybe I’ll heal completely. Maybe I won’t. There’s no way to know. But somehow I have to figure out how to love myself like this, how to be okay like this, I have to get my head on straight and remember what’s important and count my blessings and get ready for this little girl to be born because she could be here tomorrow and she needs a mama who isn’t a complete fucking wreck. She deserves that at least.

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  • Hawk

    [hug] You needed one… have two. [hug]
    Hang in there.

    • Hug, hug, hug, hugs!! (I took two and stole two more.)

  • Girl, you are hilarious and beautiful and no matter what, that baby is going to have a great mama.

    • greyson

      may i have chance to share the photo of the baby

    • Love and kisses Kim! And thank you.

    • hazeena

      loviN it

  • criss

    I’m a father, my children are 21, 18 and 16 years old.
    Your baby girl will find the beautifullest mother of the world at her birth.

    At the moment of the birth of your baby you will be propulsed in a new world with a new point of view.

    You become more adult and you feel “invincible”.

    Nothing is impossible, because of the strength this baby gave to you.

    A friend of mine got a similar problem, after the birth of her baby she could work for the improvement of her health.
    doctors said “be patient”, and she replied “i’am your patient but i’m not patient !” and she said “You’re not a freak like me so don’t tell me to be patient , you imagine frankenstein ;0))”
    She had suffered a lot and she felt like you.

    Now every thing is OK. She had to wait one month…but it was so hard for her, it was obsessional, each time she look at her face in a mirror, shel felt bad.
    Now she’s smilling whe she watch her pictures, but she’s alone for watching it !
    When i look at you on the video, i see a marvellous futur mom !

  • DrNeelix

    Lass what are you worried about,your a beautiful young lady.

  • kaleem ullah

    Your baby girl will find the beautifullest mother of the world at her birth

  • Stephanie

    Your humor shines through so much so that I honestly am not even looking at your face because you have me laughing so hard. There is no right way to feel about anything, so don’t get down on yourself! You are not failing that little nibblet, shes just happy to be snug in your belly!

    – Out to lunch!

  • Dawn Marie Daley

    You are awesome! You will get through this! Your baby will love you symmetrical or asymmetrical! Think of this as very strong anesthesia after a really bad cavity (this is basically what I look like after dental work).
    I’m sorry this is rocking your world, but you are stronger than you think!

    • Thank you Dawn! I am actually feeling a whole lot better today – had kind of a breakthrough earlier. I will post about it. :-/ (That’s my smile now, and I’m sticking to it!) xox

  • Lara D.

    C-sa, you’re amazing…and funny!! You’re crackin me up! As I’ve told you before, I’ve always looked up to you and now is no different. Stay positive, I have no doubt things will get better. I love you cousin…xoxo

    • Lara!! Thank you. Your words, love, and support mean the world to me. xox

  • You’ll get through this! And look at that big ‘ol gorgeous baby belly!

    • Right??? That’s where I’m putting my focus – that big beautiful baby in my belly. 😀

  • You are an awesome lady and will be one of the best mommies – ever!
    Your willingness to be so honest and post the truth of how you are feeling throughout all this is just one example of how strong and beautiful you already are. When you look back on this, I trust that you will see the beauty that all see.
    Big hugs! and Tigger sends puppy dog tail wags too.

    • Sumner!! Thank you… for your love, support, and kind words. And for reading my blog post!!! 😀

      Thank you also for the sweet card you left us – I will be giving you a call soon so you can come over and meet are sweet angel!


      • I’m really looking forward to meeting her. Michael has been gushing how beautiful she is.

  • Josey

    Oh Trish, I’ve been thinking about you every day since I first read this the morning Stella was born. I’m praying that it gets better, but even if it doesn’t, your daughter will love you UNCONDITIONALLY because that is what you will teach HER about love. HUGE (HUGS) to you Trish – hang in there.

  • Steve

    When you express fear that your face will change there is no need to apologize. Wouldn’t everyone feel the same? When you describe how it felt before and after you gained confidence in your looks I don’t hear vanity. I hear someone who is both reflective and living in the moment. I envy you in that regard. Maybe the lesson you are learning is patience. Now is the time to have faith in who you have become. You have collected good friends. Listen to them. Being yourself is what made you beautiful. I did not have such good friends or family. They were incessant in their attitude that I should be someone else and I believed them. Then one day I was struck by epilepsy which, like your palsy, just showed up one morning out of the blue. Half the treatment was a pill and the other half was me learning what you already know….being genuine makes you beautiful.

    Congratulations. Babies are our greatest invention. Such joy. Some days it might not feel that way but it is a long haul kind of thing. You will make a great mom because you have a terrific sense of humor and she already knows you are beautiful.

    p.s. I know your husband thinks your glasses are hawt!

  • meredith z

    i dont know if this is ‘wrong’ or ‘politically incorrect’ or just ‘stupid’ but you’re still fucking beautiful inside and out. x

    • Oh my goodness. You are lovely for saying so. Thank you.