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What I’m Thinking About

Doll Head in Trunk, Rancho Camulos

Creepy doll head photo via Thupancic on Flickr.

So apparently NoBloMoPoBloPop is a serious thing involving sign-up lists and badges and daily writing prompts. But you know what? That is too much pressure. Too much. Can’t do it. I fully intend to post every day for the month of November, but I just want to come here and typety-type and not fucking think about what I’m writing or why I’m writing it. Is that bad? Maybe. Don’t care.

One of the reasons I stopped blogging eight months ago was because it just felt like too much pressure. Of course the pressure was entirely inside me. There was no pressure from the outside – it was all internal. But it had begun to feel like I wasn’t writing for me anymore and it wasn’t fun and everything I wrote was garbage. I spent this morning reading through a bajillion draft posts and deleting them, one by one, because they were so stupid. Not that this is brilliant or anything, I’m not saying that, but ugh I don’t know what I’m saying. I just don’t want to feel pressured to do something that is supposed to be fun. Does that make sense?  I don’t want to feel like I’m trying so hard. I just want to be. Even if that means incoherent sentences and an over-use of the caps lock key.  I just want to be me.

Anyway. Moving on. Can we talk about the East Coast for a minute? I am so hyper aware of how lucky I am – I don’t personally know anyone who has been adversely affected by Sandy. All my beloved East Coasters are safe and sound. Thank heavens. And here I am, in sunny California, my biggest worry which shade of nail polish I’ll wear this week. It hardly seems fair.

I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately – how strange and twisty and unpredictable and wonderful and awful it is.  And how fragile.  One minute you’re thinking about nail polish then suddenly everything is upside down and people are dying and babies are being born and someone is drowning but someone else is blowing out birthday candles and we think things will always be this way but nothing ever stays the same. Never ever. The moment we get comfortable we collide with life and it either works out perfectly or we’re left picking up the shards and broken bits and wondering how we’ll possibly survive.  I don’t know, folks.  I guess all we can really do is love with our whole hearts and get our emergency disaster kits ready. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

How are you? (Safe and sound, I hope.) Do you have your emergency disaster kit ready?

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  • I was going to comment that I just posted on this very topic (which, don’t feel bad about yourself, girl…I was supposed to post that in SEPTEMBER! Do you hear me? SEPTEMBER! The Zippo folks were just kind and let me delay and delay and delay), but then I realized you totally gave me a shout out in the next post. 


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