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It’s a F***ing Mystery

I feel obligated to post something because I made a big fuss about how I was going to post every day for NaBloPoMo and I’ve already jacked it all up and missed a bunch of days. But I don’t have anything worth saying. The last two weeks have been rough. There’s a weight on my heart and it’s hard to breathe.  I feel like I’m failing at everything.  I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m so, so, so sad. I don’t know what to do. Everyone keeps telling  me that it will all be okay and I know they are right, I know this will pass, but I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I wish I could go to bed and sleep for a hundred years. Okay, I don’t really wish that. But I wish I could make it through a day without feeling like I’m going to fucking scream or fall apart or die.

The people next door are fighting. Screaming and yelling and throwing things, their children are crying.  In my little apartment it is warm and cozy. Mike did all the chores tonight before I even got home, had a hot dinner waiting for me, greeted me at the door with his arms open wide, held me while I tried to catch my breath and keep from crying.  So why do I feel like this? Everything is fine, we’re healthy, we have jobs, we’re working towards a better life, we have a home and heat and electricity and families who love and support us.  So why can’t I draw a deep enough breath? Why do I feel so utterly alone? So strangled by my first-world problems? Obviously something is wrong with me. I just don’t know what.

 


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  • Lmcellist

    It’s Laura! I’m so glad you’re writing again, I’ve missed you on here and on facebook! (I’m not sure that that helps with how you’re currently feeling, but it’s good to have you back!)

    • Hi Laura!!! Thank you for your comment. I have missed writing here. I disabled my FB account months ago, but I miss keeping in touch with people that way, so I guess I will probably reactivate it soon… It’s great to hear from you and it does help me feel better. HUGS!

  • 🙁 I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed and floundering lately. When I get like that, I make a point of cutting out what I can, and then making a list of what I DO need to do. Somehow it makes me feel better to check things off and know that they’re off my plate. Hang in there hon.

    • That’s a great suggestion Josie. Thank you. It would definitely help to clear my head. Thank you for your support! HUGS.

    • Ugh. I totally spelled your name wrong in that last comment. Blargh. I’m sorry Josey!

  • Sounds like a little case of S.A.D. to me — and you know, sometimes we just get into holes and it’s hard to dig our way back out. I find that the best thing to do is indulge in comfort foods and guilty pleasure TV, and warm fuzzy socks.

  • Sounds like a little case of S.A.D. to me — and you know, sometimes we just get into holes and it’s hard to dig our way back out. I find that the best thing to do is indulge in comfort foods and guilty pleasure TV, and warm fuzzy socks.

    • Amen Sister. Fuzzy socks, comfort food, and trashy TV. The remedy for just about everything. 😀

  • ‘Cita

    Tell us about Torts.  And ” Sine qua non.” 

    • “Sine qua non” is latin and directly translates to: “without which it is not; an indespensible requisite,” but in both criminal and tort law, they shorten the translation to “but for” as in, “What is a but for? Pooping!” (LOLZ!!!!) No really, as in, “But for D reading his text messages while driving on the freeway, he would not have crashed into and killed V.”
      Whaddya wanna know about Torts? Do you wanna know about the intentional torts? There are seven: assault, battery, infliction of emotional distress, false imprisonment, trespass to chattels, trespass to land, and conversion. I could tell you all about negligence, which is not an intentional tort but something else, but even though I’ve been studying it for four weeks, I’m still not clear on it’s many convoluted points and turns. I’ll let you know when I can finally make sense of it.

  • Lmcellist

     I wish I could meet you in person, (hopefully that didn’t sound creepy) But you’ve got down what I feel about my job. I feel so stunted. I get things done, but am sometimes, I really mentally kick myself around. I feel stupid, ineffective, and that my coe-workers are stealing the show. At the same time, my boss seems to love my work and tells me I’m doing fine. So really…I conclude I’m being too critical with myself.

    You’re not alone. I’m sure it’s going to be ok. (I’m also sure that you’re probably feeling better by now, but I just had to say, I relate.)

    • Thank you – I hope you understand how much it means to me that I’m not alone and that you can relate. (Not that I would wish these feelings on anyone!!) I’ve been feeling really embarrassed about this post, but your comment was like a bear hug on my heart. Again, thank you.

  • Tricia

    love you.