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Maybe he misses Manhattan

wiener in winter

The wiener in winter – NYC, Dec. 12, 2008

There are two dogs under me on the sofa. I’m sitting on them because they wouldn’t move when I tried to sit down and — wait — the wiener just moved. Now he’s at my elbow, jerking his head around and licking the air.

Internets, I do not know why he licks the air. He licks the air, sways his head around, whimpers, licks the air some more, licks my arm for a little while, licks the sofa pillows for a little while, and then, exhausted, he collapses. When he’s finally quieted, if I show him any interest at all, if I even so much as glance at him from the corner of my eye, his head snaps up and he continues, frantic in his efforts to lick my arm, then the sofa pillows, then the air, for as long as wienerly possible. It’s not cute. It’s awful. It amuses house guests, but only until it goes on for so long that they begin to worry about his well-being. The other night he licked a sofa pillow for over thirty minutes. It was so soaked full of dog spit it felt like someone pissed on it.

I recently praised Theo online for being officially house-trained after four years of exhaustive work and now that we’ve got that under control, I feel the need to address his obsessive-compulsive licking.

You may not know this, but one of his nick-names is Lightning Fast Poo Tongue. He’s recently gone back to eating Valentine’s poop as soon as he can snatch it from her bum. (We thought we had that under control – HA! Who’s the dumbass now?) He will eat a large turd on our morning walk and afterward, if I do not pay careful attention to where his tongue is in relation to my whereabouts, there will be a poo-tongue smacking the inside of my eyeball before I can say “What the.”

You guys, I could get a BRAIN INFECTION. And I would have to tell the doctor it was because I got poo in my eye.

Why oh why does my wiener dog compulsively lick the air and/or surrounding objects while swaying his head and whining? Why do I have  a raw spot on my forearm where all the hair has been licked off? Why are the sofa pillows always damp? Is it anxiety? Is it a medical condition? Is he trying to tell me something? Am I somehow failing in my attempt to display appropriate dominance? WHAT WOULD CESAR DO?

Please help me. Don’t help me. Forget me. Help Theo. Help the little wiener. (I’m begging you.)

P.S. Valentine is still sitting under me. She’s bonier than you’d think.

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  • OMGosh! I’m sure your intention was not to make me giggle, but you did 😉
    My mom has a pug that does the same crazy licking…maybe it’s a small-pampered dog thing?

    Brain infection from dog poo would be quite gross. LOL

    My Just Write post:
    http://whosays8isenough.org/2011/11/21/what-infidelity-does-to-a-woman/

  • This is not what the phrase ‘dog sitting’ intended!

  • Tara

    Do you suppose that it’s seizure-type behavior?

    • If it is, I will seriously hate myself for not taking him to the vet for it years ago. I suppose a vet visit is the next order of business. Yikes. I hope that’s not it. So scary.

  • Anonymous

    Hmmm. I’d go with anxiety, maybe? Or maybe he just thinks the world is tasty? Maybe if you coated everything around you with hot pepper sauce…although I guess you couldn’t do that with the air.

    Put me down as not at all helpful.

    • But you’re amusing! And that counts for something. 🙂

  • Heatheroftheeo

    You need the Dog Whisperer…Cesar Milan. CALL HIM 🙂

  • Amy @ NTT

    I’d like to help you, but my dog spasms like a rapid animal whenever we try to take him on a walk, so clearly, we’re in line ahead of you for Caesar time. I’ll let you know what he says.

  • Our dog Stella licks everything.  Nothing goes un-licked.  It’s strange as I’ve never known a dog quite like her.  I’m not sure what it is but I think should should see a vet (and/or try to reach Cesar) so that you can know what is going on and hopefully have some peace of find or a way of dealing with us. Our dogs are often our babies too and I hope everything works out.

    Oh and the dominance thing. I am terrible at that.  Cesar would shake his head at me.  Good luck with everything!