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Rhymes with ‘Shoe’

I am just resurfacing after the worst illness I’ve had in my entire adult life, I am not even kidding. Or exaggerating. Or dressing the story with creative license. You guys, Mike and I caught the flu early last week and my ass was down with a fever that didn’t break until Friday night. There may or may not have been several moments during the week when I looked up at Michael tearfully and asked whether or not I was going to die.

Seriously though. People used to die of the flu. So I say, it’s not an unreasonable fear.

It’s funny how when you spend six days in bed you find there isn’t much in life worth talking about. Besides bodily functions and fever-induced dreams, anyway. And I’ll keep the details on all those to myself, you’re welcome very much. But the thing that really irks me is how depressing it is to be ill. I mean, really. I watched an entire season of Veronica Mars, but my living room still looks like this. And the second bathroom isn’t decorating itself. And how is it that even when we’re living in pajamas the laundry still piles up? That, my friends, is what unfairness looks like. Now please excuse me while I go cough up what is left of my lungs.

8 Comments

Frost, February 28th 2011 | Tags: , ,
Posted in Daily Life

Windowsill Herb Garden

windowsill herbs

Also from our garden center project last Saturday. From left: basil, lime thyme, oregano, and garlic chives.

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Frost, February 24th 2011 | Tags:
Posted in Daily Life, nesting

Bird of Prey

bird of prey

Small dogs in the neighborhood better beware!

2 Comments

Frost, February 23rd 2011 | Tags:
Posted in Daily Life

Mine

pansy

The last spring we spent in New York I was enamored with the flowers. Which I suppose is to be expected after spending endless months in a snow-buried city. In May and June I’d walk the length of Jackie Robinson Park, or take the dogs off-leash to roam in Saint Nicholas Park, and I’d take photograph after photograph of all the beautiful flowers. There aren’t any parks in the valley anything like Saint Nicholas or Jackie Robinson, at least not that we’ve found, so we’re making something on our own.

It’s not much, but it’s mine. All mine! (Erm, ours.)

coming along

Mike and I spent Saturday at the garden center and we picked up some prizes, we did! Pansies, daisies, chrysanthemums, a balcony box! This corner of the balcony will be where we put a table and chairs — whenever we acquire a set. We’ll eat dinner here in the evenings, watching the sun set behind the palm trees. We’ll sip our coffee here in the morning, some days I’ll even work out here. I am so happy to have a little bit of outdoor space all to ourselves.

balcony box

This is the first time we’ve had flowering plants since St. Andrews, Hollywood. I couldn’t possibly be happier.

basket

We picked up a seed bell, to see what kind of bird traffic we get. What we really want is a beautiful bird feeder that we can refill regularly, but before we drop fifty bucks on a feeder and seed, we want to make sure there will be takers. It’s been three days and so far nuthin’ but flies. Keep your fingers crossed.

chrysanthemum

In New York Mike called these weeds. Turns out they’re a chrysanthemum variety, Mike.

english daisies

I have a feeling these English Daisies are going to take over the balcony box.

orange

I can’t remember what these little flowers are, but they sure are pretty. And I’m hoping they will attract hummingbirds. Fingers crossed!

9 Comments

Frost, February 22nd 2011 | Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Daily Life, nesting, Why not?

The Crap in His Pockets

I mentioned in this post that our mattress-less futon was still sitting in two pieces in the family room because we’d lost the pins that hold the thing together during our move, but what I didn’t say was how certain I was that Michael had lost them. I was sure it was all his fault. I just knew it. After all, I’d watched him take the futon apart in Harlem, watched the various screws and bolts and pins roll across the hardwood floors. I’d scrambled to pick up the errant hardware and I’d put it all together in one of our nightstand drawers and then taped it shut, all the while fearing I’d missed something, irritated that he’d left the hardware to roll into oblivion, certain we’d come up short in LA. So when we unpacked everything and, in fact, two integral pieces of hardware were missing, I knew he was the one to blame.

Meanwhile, he was adamant that he had not lost the pins, he’d put them in a safe place, they were around here somewhere.

“Are you sure you haven’t seen two L-shaped metal pins somewhere?”
“I’m positive.”
“Because I know they are around here somewhere. I know it.”
“Haven’t seen them. Pretty sure you lost them.”
“I didn’t lose them. They’re here somewhere.”

Then I’d watch, shaking my head, while he tore through boxes and rummaged through tools, muttering to himself that he knew he had them, he knew he saw them after we unloaded the truck in Los Angeles, they’ve got to be around here somewhere.

When I wash Mike’s laundry I find the strangest things in his pockets – bottle caps, drill bits, rubber washers, half-chewed dog biscuits. These items end up in my own pockets, and then they find their way into various drawers and baskets and sometimes, my jewelry box. Why don’t I just put them with his tools? Normally I would, but for the four months we lived with my parents, I didn’t know where his tools were, so whenever I’d empty his pockets, or clean off the top of his nightstand, I’d put the random odds and ends in my jewelry box. (Not the bottle caps and half-chewed dog biscuits, mind you. Just the drill bits and rubber washers.) This weekend I was cleaning up the bedroom, putting away some of the jewelry I’d worn during the week. I opened my jewelry box and rolled my eyes because there amongst the baubles were two allen wrenches. Clearly from Michael’s pockets. And then it hit me. Like a slow-motion scene in a movie, the memory came flooding back.  It’s August. I’m cleaning the guest room we’re living in at my parent’s house. There are two L-shaped pins on the night table and I put them in my jewelry box because I don’t know where else to put them and I figure they’re probably important. Flash forward to this conversation, had as I’m digging through my jewelry box deciding which earrings to pair with that day’s outfit:

“Are you sure you haven’t seen two L-shaped metal pins somewhere?”
“I’m positive.”
“Because I know they are around here somewhere. I know it.”
“Haven’t seen them. Pretty sure you lost them.”
“I didn’t lose them. They’re here somewhere.”

You guys. He didn’t lose them. I’ve been looking at those damn pins nearly every day for six months, all the while rolling my eyes and tsk-tsk-tsk-ing because Michael lost the pins that hold our futon together. So I snapped a picture of the pins with my BlackBerry and emailed it to Michael with a note that read, “Do you need these? Can I toss them?”

futon pins

10 Comments

Frost, February 21st 2011 | Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Daily Life, Marriage, moving cross-country

Clean+Green

Mike and I have five animals.

I’m just going to let you wrap your head around that for a minute.

There’s Meph, our five-and-a-half-foot ball python, who is by far the cleanest and easiest of our crew. Then there’s Toby, the loudest, most demanding tom cat you’ve ever met in your life. Amelia is quiet and shy until she gets to know you. In her spare time she enjoys eating computer cords and pissing on throw rugs, which means we can’t have any, anywhere, ever. Rugs, not cords. Cords we just hide. Valentine is a doll and even when she’s ill, will beg at the door to be let out before she will ever do her business indoors. Unless of course we’ve just vacuumed – then she’ll pee somewhere really obvious, apparently in order to prove her hatred of the dreaded machine. (As if the hysterical running in circles with her tail between her legs doesn’t get the point across.) This means that whenever I want to vacuum (which I do, every day) I have to walk her first, crate her during the ordeal, then walk her again immediately after. Lastly, but not leastly, there is our beloved Theo. A dachshund who, if he spoke English, I’m sure would have a lot to say. But he does not speak English, he speaks Dog Urine. And speak it he does, whenever his humans do anything that even slightly irritates him.

“Hey Mike? Is it true that Theo hasn’t peed in the house since last Sunday?”
“That is true.”
“That’s great! I guess we’ve been behaving according to his will?”
“He has trained us well.”

As a result of our multiple mess-making mammalian friends, we have been around the block and back with every pet odor and stain remover on the market. While some products work well enough – masking the odor and mostly removing the stain – I’ve never been particularly happy with anything we’ve tried.

So when Quincy and Meagan at SeaYu Enterprises asked me to review their eco-friendly pet stain and odor remover, I thought, Why not? I’ve been dealing with cat piss and dog butt-smear for years, tried dozens of products, and never been satisfied. Maybe this product will be different.

And Oh Dear Readers, it is. It really really is.

The Stain:

the stain

The Culprit:

the culprit

(I should know better than to vacuum without walking, crating, and walking her.)
(Please excuse the giant box photo right. These photos were taken a week after we moved.)

Now, here’s where things get cah-razy. The instructions on the bottle say to spray the stain, no need to soak it, and walk away.

Walk. Away. As in, you’re done. If it’s a wet stain, you first press a clean rag to it to sop up as much of the animal moisture as possible, but then you spray it, and walk. away.

I read that and laughed. Like really? Really? Come on now. If I’m not scrubbing and sweating and miserable, how is that stain going to go away? But I shrugged away my misgivings, sprayed, and walked away. Just as Theo decided to wipe his ass nearby.*

the cleanup

Here’s the thing, you guys. If there is one chore I loathe and despise, it’s scrubbing animal waste out of my carpeting. Especially because it seems like no matter how many times I reapply, blot, reapply, blot, douse, scrub, scrub, scrub, and cry over a stain, the smell Never Goes Away. But with this stuff? You just spray it, walk away and I swear, I have mashed my nose right into a pee stain treated with Clean+Green, taken a deep inhale, and you know what it smells like? Fresh air. Not even musty old carpet. Just clean air, the kind you’d breathe standing on the top of a beautiful mountain near a waterfall in early summer. And that’s the truth.

A number of new, mysterious stains have cropped up on our carpeting over the last week and you know what I’m most looking forward to this weekend? Spraying them with Clean+Green and then stretching out on the sofa with a good book while they vanish, never to be heard from again. Then I’m going to go out and get some really fabulous throw rugs because Amelia’s little habits are nothing to me now that I have Clean+Green in my arsenal.

If you’d like to know more about how this miracle product works and what makes it eco-friendly, Gabe Cross at Green Cross wrote an excellent, informative article on the product on his blog. I also recommend the Clean+Green website for information and ordering.

P.S. I was not paid for this article, but I did receive one complimentary bottle of Clean+Green – Carpet & Upholstery for dogs and one complimentary bottle of Clean+Green – Furniture Refresher for dogs. Then I went out and purchased four more bottles because OMG you guys this is by far the best pet stain and odor remover I’ve ever used ever. For reals.

*In regards to the dogs wiping their butts on the carpet – Yes. I do express their anal glands on a regular basis. And they wipe their butts on the carpet anyway. Thanks for asking.

2 Comments

Frost, February 18th 2011 | Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Daily Life, Product Review

Crazy Pat

Me as the Bride, Blood Wedding, Cal Arts, 2003

Me as the Bride, Blood Wedding, Cal Arts, 2003
Also, how I felt this morning.

Last night I was kept awake for hours with a terrible headache. I don’t know if you’d call it a migraine, but I definitely felt like I was dying. This is a result of my impending period – yes, I’m going there. If periods make you queasy, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.  Anyhow, every fourth period or so, I get whopped upside the female-parts with gnarly aches, pains, hormonal outbursts, and cramps that are akin to having one’s uterus shoved through a meat grinder. Tomorrow my period is due, so last night there was a torturous headache designed to punish me for Eve’s original sin. Tonight the cramps will come, but don’t worry, I’m already hopped up on Midol.

So I lay awake for hours, miserable, facing death, and then, as dawn was breaking, the copious amounts of extra-strength tylenol finally kicked in and I passed out. Twenty minutes later my alarm went off. I dragged myself from bed and emailed my office manager – I was definitely not going into the office for a few more hours. I just needed a little bit of rest. Email sent, I crawled back to bed and curled around Mike’s sleeping frame. Relief! I could sleep for at least two more hours, delicious sleep I desperately needed. And just as my lids began to droop and my breath began to slow, “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! BEEEEEPPP BEEEEP BEEEEP!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!”

There is a family that lives across the street, a perfectly nice family with a whole passel of children who play together beautifully in the evening, their voices ringing out over the neighborhood as the sun sets pink behind the palm trees. I love this family, love those children and the happy feeling that fills me when I hear their innocent laughter. But I do not love the person associated with the family who pulls in front of the house every morning, even on Saturdays, and leans on their car horn so as to wake the living dead. I do not love that person at all. And when it happened this morning, my brain still tender and my hormones run rampant, it was all I could do not to grab my brother’s replica G36 assault (airsoft) rifle, tear down the stairs, out the door, across the street, nightgown streaming, hair wild, to shove the barrel of the (airsoft) gun into that mother bleeper’s face and scream, “PARK YOUR %&$^##@* CAR, GET OUT, AND RING THE %$#&@(*&!#@ DOOR BELL LIKE A &^$#@&*%$% NORMAL PERSON, YOU SELFISH, STUPID,  &*%#@^% IDIOT!”

But I didn’t. Because not only would that be insane, and inappropriate, but also because that is not what airsoft rifles are for. And I don’t want to go to jail. And there are the children. And the horrible horn-blarer might have a real gun, one that doesn’t shoot plastic BBs. That, my friends, is called self-control.

6 Comments

Frost, February 16th 2011 | Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Daily Life

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Oh wait. That was yesterday. Whoops! No wonder I forgot all about it. I’ve never liked pink teddy bears.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful V-Day. I did. I had dinner with Dopey and I fixed WWW’s Quinoa Stuffed Peppers, which were deeeeelish. OMG, they were so good. Mike had to work, so I fixed him a plate and left it in the oven to stay warm, made sure there were cold beers in the fridge, and filled our cookie jar with fresh baked chocolate chip cookies – his favorite. Then I crashed. I didn’t get to spend the evening with my sweetheart, but at least he had a nice dinner to come home to.

Except he mis-read the note I left him re: dinner is in the oven, and reheated four-day old leftovers instead.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

5 Comments

Frost, February 15th 2011 | Tags:
Posted in Daily Life

Geraldine

geraldine

This tiny section of my family room makes me feel indescribably happy. The portrait is of my mother-in-law, Geraldine, when she was sixteen. She’s a real beauty and I think her portrait is lovely over the radio table. One day, if I ever acquire a camera that takes fantastic photos in low lighting, I’ll take a real picture of Geraldine so you can admire her too.

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Frost, February 14th 2011 | Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Family, Who's Who

Continuing Efforts Continued

The family room is my room to decorate. This is what I’ve got so far:

books and bones

What you’re looking at is the most finished sliver of our family room. So much shelf space! And no idea what to do with it. But still, it’s a HUGE improvement from this disaster.

living room

Aaaaand this is what the rest of the family room looks like. Better than this, but still kind of depressing. We haven’t figured out where we’re going to keep my bicycle, so for now it leans against our mattress-less futon frame that is in two pieces because we misplaced the screws that hold the whole thing together. Moving is awesome. Our friend Kevin came over the other night and the first words out of his mouth were, “Your couch looks really uncomfortable.” I had to laugh at that, and laugh hard. It felt good.

I’m actually really excited about this room. I want it to be the sort of room where you want to curl up and read a book. I placed the futon kitty-corner so that when we sit on it (after we buy a mattress for it) we will be facing the fireplace. I plan to put a table behind it and load it with lush green plants. Then I’m going to put shelves up, I’m thinking two three-foot shelves on each wall behind the futon, piled with books and mummified creatures. I decided on a beige futon with lots of beautiful, richly colored throw pillows. Beige because it won’t show Valentine’s hair and so the pillows will really stand out. I want a great vase for the middle of the coffe table – something that looks like it’s right out of the forties, or really is right out of the forties. And I want to always keep fresh flowers in it.

Where that kleenex box is on the little bookcase is where I plan to put another lamp. Or maybe a plant. A big, drapey pathos. Or maybe a lamp. Not sure yet. The floor lamp pictured belongs to my parents and is on loan until we get our own.

I think this room is going to need a rug eventually, something with a lot of deep red and gold, maybe. Who knows. It’s all just talk for now, anyhow. This room is going to look like this for awhile because apparently money doesn’t grow on trees or something? I’m still not sure I believe that, but we’ll see.

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Frost, February 11th 2011 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in Daily Life, nesting
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