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Trying, with all my might


All photos in this post courtesy of Christine Lindebak

I have been a very bad blogger, I know.  I keep saying I’ll write things that I never write, and more often than not I don’t write anything at all.  This week has been a weird week.  We had a wonderful Fourth of July, but I woke up on Monday morning with a dark cloud over my head. We’ve had to give up our daily runs because of air conditions and high temperatures, and I think that birth control pill really screwed up my body’s natural chemistry.

This week it’s been nearly impossible to get anything done.  I have no motivation, no desire, no purpose. Everything feels hopeless and pointless.  If I could blame it on my moon cycle or the pill, that would be one thing, but my moon cycle is completely screwed up because of the pill and Mike is just as down as I am and he certainly hasn’t taken any synthetic hormones so should we blame it on the heat?  Perhaps.

smoky sky

We watched fireworks explode over the skyline, and for the rest of the week no one could breathe.

My fifth day on Junel Fe 1.5/30 was my last day.  The first day had me up in the middle of the night, vomiting. Day two was okay, though there was some nausea.  Days three and four were clouded by gas pains and intense hunger. Day five nearly killed me. I was in Seattle, at my first drag show, on Gay Pride weekend, and I was so sick I could hardly move. Luckily my cousin and his friends are wonderful people who are patient and kind and took me home and ran me a hot bath and stroked my hair until I felt human again. Then they made me promise to stop poisoning myself with synthetic hormones, which I was more than happy to do.

And now I don’t know when to expect my next period, nor do I know on what to blame the feelings of utter desolation I’ve been feeling.  It could be the heat, true. It could be the lack of regular exercise, which is a direct result of the heat.  It could be the synthetic hormones working their way out of my body, it could be my natural hormones trying to get back into balance, or it could be the fact that we’re five and a half weeks away from uprooting our entire lives, once again, and heading into the unknown.

and the rockets red glare

And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave truth to the night…

I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know that the heat seems to have broken a bit, Mike and I managed to drag ourselves out of bed for a seven-thirty run this morning, and I’m feeling better. And I’m blogging! So here’s to keeping our Universal chin up, staying positive, and remembering that it’s about the journey, not the destination.

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  • ‘Cita

    Christine took some beauties! I believe your mood is likely due to ‘all of the above.’ That, plus the cries of Mother Earth. Eclipse of the Sun on Sunday – how can we not pay attention?

    • Mama, you are the best. I love you.