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When life gives you raisins

BehindBars

When I started this website I had big plans.  Though I didn’t know how my plans would play out, I knew that they must be played perfectly.  Nothing else was acceptable.

My mother is always telling me that I put too much pressure on myself.  I tend to disagree.  The problem, I think, is that I don’t pressure myself enough.  You see, I am a perfectionist with very high expectations and a very good imagination.  While those three attributes might work well when used alone and in small doses, put them together and you get a girl like me; roaringly enthusiastic and easily discouraged.

In other words, I’m disappointed a lot.

In January, things started off with a bang.  The response from friends and family about my new website had me walking on cloud 9.  I was electrified.  I was writing every day, for hours on end.  I wrote by hand on the subway, leaning into the tight little alcove where the doors and the seat barriers meet.  I wrote at home, curled in my blue chair with the sun on my back, an animal tucked into my hip.  When I wasn’t writing I was thinking about writing and when I went to sleep I dreamt in a string of words. Words, words, beautiful, glorious, thrilling words.

Then life was lived and things were said and sometimes even people who think they mean well can deliver a blow that snuffs out a flame that only moments before had learned how to burn bright in the wind.

Months have gone by and still, still I am forcing out posts, sentence by sentence, word by excruciating word.  You know what it’s like when you’ve been constipated for days and you’re sitting on the pot breathing so hard there’s sweat breaking at your temples and then finally, finally something bursts forth and you think, Yes!   But no, no, the fruit of your labor is the size of a small raisin.  And your heart breaks a little bit.

That is what writing has become.

However.  I will not be so easily defeated.  There is something… there is something in there, just right there, I can feel it.  So when the Universe gives me raisins, I will give them to the Internet.


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  • ‘Cita

    One word: Metamucil. Two more: Love you.

  • Tara

    Perhaps those ‘well meaning’ comments aren’t?

  • Frost

    You’re both right.

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  • If I’ve ever said anything untoward or well meaning that wasn’t taken as such I’d hope you’d have said something and I apologize if I have.

  • grendl

    So what did Nik say?

  • I have begun to call this bloggers block and I assure you it is nothing to worry about. Although there is something to be said about blogs that are consistent in delivery, I find I cant live fast enough to stay on that speed; nor do I want to! Those blogs usually have more than one person posting as well… I love all your entries and find them very entertaining. I think you should submit your writing to more places than just your blog. =)

  • Jim

    I welcome any and all postings from you, Trish, and to me, their frequency or length does not matter. When there are gaps, I miss hearing your thoughts, but I just think that, oh, Trish is taking care of other matters in her life, and the words are churning around in her brain for a while. Maybe you should think of your mind as a toilet that has to spin the water a while before it can flush out its products, be they raisins or ears of corn. <3